Investor Alert: Beverage Startup Générique Turns Water into Gold and LOLs
Générique is a TLC Business Concept.
An Abbreviated Executive Summary for Qualified Investors
1. Goal
Imagine turning on the tap and out poured fresh spring water from the Rockies, the Pyrenees, or the Swiss Alps. This is what Générique (pronounced zhay-nay-reek - “generic” with a French accent) does via its flagship product: a kit (Patent Pending) that allows users to recreate the distinct mineral profiles of world-famous spring waters, personalize them, and design their own branded labels. But this is not all it does: Générique’s goal is to become a global leader in the $348 billion branded bottled water market, based on a unique and powerful business model combining profits…and performance art.
2. Description
Is it a unicorn? Is it a “meme stock”? Générique is both…and more: it is a centaur, with the potential to become a $1B company within five years thanks to the global cross-over appeal of its flagship product and its almost unmatched ability to generate memes, vibes, rage, and LOLs thanks to the self-parody embodied in its very name.
On the most basic level, Générique is a traditional company selling a product that millions of people will want: the Générique DIY designer water kit, which transforms ordinary tap water into a customized premium beverage through a special three-step process. Think of it as craft brewing for consumers of branded bottled water - and with far larger market potential, as there are considerably more consumers of branded water than beer.
At the same time, Générique, as the company’s name itself suggests, is an inside joke shared by millions of the world’s water drinkers who refuse to believe that any of the popular brands of expensive bottled water is any better than the tap water they get for free, and that the entire market is a ridiculous scam. They will purchase Générique kits as a goof - an ironic gift for friends and coworkers and to mock everyone who’d rather choke on a pretzel than put a bottle of off-brand water to their lips.
3. How it Works
As a Product
Générique’s kit transforms ordinary tap water into a customized premium beverage through a three-step process, with additional/optional steps for personalization and brand creation:
Source Water Pre-Filtration: an activated carbon filter to eliminate chlorine, chloramine, and organic compounds to create a clean, neutral base.
Mineral Infusion: Générique uses pre-measured mineral packets that, when dissolved, recreate the precise ionic balance of some of the world’s most famous spring waters, including those from the Swiss Alps, the Rocky Mountains, the Pyrenees, the Blue Ridge Mountains, the Dolomites, and Japan’s Southern Alps.
Testing: A compact sensor monitors Total Dissolved Solids (TDS) and pH (acidity/alkalinity) in real-time, transmitting data via Bluetooth to a mobile app that verifies when the water matches the selected spring profile.
Personalization – Additional elements can be added, such as flavor infusions, carbonation levels, alcohol content, and custom mineral tweaks to “make it your own.”
Brand Creation – The Générique app allows users to design custom labels, giving their water a distinct identity, complete with vintage-style branding and personalized messaging.
As a Joke
The idea that you can bottle water, the world’s second most abundant resource (second only to air), and sell it as a premium product, is one of the great acts of performance art (and gags) of all time - reminiscent of French painter and sculptor Marcel Duchamp taking a porcelain urinal and turning it into art simply by signing it.
Researchers have repeatedly published findings that tap water is inherently safer than bottled water, and blind tests have revealed that even the most discerning imbibers of branded water have trouble telling whether they’re drinking tap water or a premium brand (the taste profiles are different, but one is not necessarily qualitatively “better” than the other). Yet, the sales of bottled water keep increasing. In 2023, U.S. bottled water sales volume amounted to approximately 15.9 billion gallons - the highest volume of bottled water ever sold in the United States.
As a joke, Générique operates on three levels: irony, sarcasm, and ridicule.
Irony. This will appeal to two segments of the Millennial/Gen Z market (ages 18-40), who appreciate companies that use self-aware humor to sell their products or services. Both segments may use similar ironic names on their labels - Bong Water, Bilge Water, Lead Zeppelin, etc. - but one means it as a playful critique, the other means to show they’re in on the joke, like a discerning pot smoker buying strains of high-end cannabis with names like Paranoia, Memory Loss or Brain Damage.
Sarcasm. Water drinkers slightly more hostile to the notion of premium-priced bottled water, will gravitate to edgier expressions of their contempt, e.g., giving their water names like Ditch Water, Dysenterry, E. coli, Runoff.
Ridicule. This is for everyone who will purchase kits to “own” the libs:
”fuck you and your personalized hydration journey and your water kits with the French name.” Make Water Great Again packets will be sold separately, allowing users to reproduce the same water that flows through the golden taps at Mar-a-Lago, with labels like Lib Tears and Fuck Joe Biden Springs to trigger the libtards.
Note: The problem with a joke is that it gets old. The first time you heard Big Mouth Billy Bass do Take Me To The River was hilarious. The second and third times too, until it was suddenly not funny at all. If you had it mounted on your wall to entertain guests, and the joke had run its course, you’d want to take it down - there’s no point keeping an obviously fake, unsightly rubber fish on the wall if it can no longer amuse. Now, imagine if you could unmount it, throw it on the grill, and eat it - that’s roughly what Générique’s kit offers to users who no longer find the concept amusing - once the joke wears off, you can still use it to prepare a premium hydration product.
4. Marketing
(More on sales channels and partnerships, targeted market segments, and messaging in the business plan.) Spoiler alert: we have a signed LOU from a marketing firm in the Philippines to orchestrate/execute a multi-channel meme-driven marketing campaign. They are known for their aggressive, edgy work for companies in the beverage industry, notably their successful, if controversial, campaign for Wet, a bottled water startup that featured adult film star Lydia Church as its spokesperson (“I’m wet for water”).
5. Competitive Landscape
Premium Bottled Water Brands (Fiji, Evian, Voss), Soda Kits (SodaStream, Drinkmate). Unlike soda kits, which focus on carbonation, Generique reinvents hydration by allowing customers to recreate luxury water brands, making it more versatile and directly competitive with the bottled water industry. (More on Générique’s market differentiators in the business plan.)
6. Financials
Starter Kit: $79.99 (includes base mineral blends, a sensor, a reusable 25.4 ounce bottle, and access to the app).
Mineral Refill Packs: $9.99 per pack (each mimicking a different famous spring water; a single packet can create up to 5 gallons of the selected water type, translating to approximately twenty-five 25.4 ounce bottles).
(Complete financials are in the business plan.)
7. Risk Factors
Consumers with high-quality tap water may not see value in the kit; those with poor tap water may prefer trusted bottled brands.
Générique’s ironic branding may not connect - the irony and sarcasm may go over the heads of large segments of our intended market. Or it could be perceived as a one-time gag that’s effective as a funny concept/meme, and doesn’t require that consumers purchase the product to fully appreciate the humor. There’s also the chance that the concept is objectively unfunny.
Regulatory Compliance: Kits must meet strict water quality and labeling laws; non-compliance risks ruinous fines.
Deaths or serious injury as a result of reactions to certain mineral properties. For instance, water from Ölfus Springs contains a high level of silica; Générique packets containing silica in dust form can lead to lung diseases like silicosis, if inhaled.
8. Management Team*
Ravi Patel: CEO and Founder. Dr. Patel has a PhD in Hydrology and has spent over two decades as a researcher and consultant studying water systems, specializing in the geochemistry of natural springs, mapping how mineral profiles—from Iceland’s volcanic aquifers to Japan’s limestone wells—shape taste and texture.
Brittany Rubenstein: VP of Influence. Brittany is a beverage industry influencer who’s worked for several premium brands, including PepsiCo, Nestlé, Pure Life, and the short-lived Spritz (both a beverage and a feminine hygiene product).
Vic Santucci: COO. Vic is the former commissioner of the Palm Beach Water Authority.
*Générique is a TLC Business Concept. The mineral infusions have not been tested, the product has not been developed, and the people listed under “Management Team” do not exist - we asked ChatGPT to suggest a three-person management team with the requisite complement of experience and skills and that’s what it produced; our first use of funds is to field such a team.
Complete business plan with financials available to qualified investors upon request.