Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar
Six Afghan buzkashi players held for questioning and dinner.
(TLC Wire Service) When six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat and livestock sat down for a light bite at the Rack and Loin, a popular S&M-themed topless bar on Manhattan’s West Side, they didn’t expect it to turn into a near international incident. It was a little past lunch hour and “the Rack” was, per usual, buzzing, jumping and crackling with adult activity, so the headless animal carcass propped up on a chair at their table attracted little notice until their waitress came back with their drink orders.
“I been at the Rack three years, I seen it all, honey,” said Faye Malone, a heavily made-up, chain-smoking 36 year old on whose monumental, synthetic breasts the world weighed. “I literally seen a guy’s balls in a vice and a tit caught in a ringer. But a headless goat’s a first. I told them they had to lose the goat or I’d have to call over the manager.”
Sensing trouble, day manager Sal Francesa came to the table with backup to confront the men, but there was something about their headgear that gave him pause.
“Yeah, me and the boys we come over expecting trouble, but I get one load of the funny hats and I’m thinking, where’d I see this before? Then it hits me, it’s that game with guys on horses whacking around a headless freaking goat, I seen it on ESPN. Those are some tough hombres. Out of respect, I had another round of drinks sent over and offered to have the goat cooked and served over a bed of couscous for a late lunch. ”
The six men were members of Afghanistan's premier buzkashi team, a sport dating back to Genghis Khan that pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. The team had played an exhibition match earlier in the day at Chelsea Piers and was looking for a place with a familiar atmosphere for lunch and refreshments.
Some fifteen minutes later the buzkashi players found themselves in melee with a contingent of intoxicated leather-clad salesmen in town for an “adult” software and technology convention. Before police could arrive on the scene, a health inspector there to investigate an unrelated complaint found a drunk kitchen worker and whip-wielding patron playfully simulating a violent sex act with the fetid goat carcass, and immediately ordered the Rack and Loin shut down until further notice.
Word of the incident reached Afghanistan’s ambassador to the US, Adela Raz, who issued a brief statement. “We deeply regret this most unfortunate incident. We had arranged an exhibition to showcase to our American friends this ancient and glorious game we call buzkashi. It has everything an American sports fan could want - it is football, hockey and food rolled into one. Once we develop rules, establish a scoring system and find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or Cornish game hen, I predict that we’ll look back on this incident as the moment the American public fell in love with the great game of buzkashi.”
Expecting to be held for questioning, the six team members wound up being held for Thanksgiving dinner, organized by the brash Afghan American “tech bro” Ali Ahmad Emadi, who is being considered for a position in the incoming Trump administration.
“I grew up idolizing these amazing athletes and sorry they had to go through this,” said Emadi. “As a gesture of friendship we invited them to our home for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, accompanied by a side of Goats Head Soup. The missus, alas, doesn’t share my taste for authentic ethnic cuisine, but like me she’s a humongous classic rock nerd, so instead we’ll be celebrating with Mick, Keith, Khaled and the boys - this Thanksgiving will be totally off the chain, literally.”