Donald J. Trump is a Jordan-esque business failure whose 6 bankruptcies equals MJ’s 6 championships. He’s a prodigious, world-class geyser of baseless lawsuits, unpaid bills, and provable lies; conspicuously lacking in hand size, which he overcompensates by wearing comically long ties; one-term President who was swept out office on a tsunami of self-pity, left facing a mountain of debt, multiple lawsuits, and a cult-following whose members would be escorted from Mar-a-lago before they ever stepped foot on the property. I should mention that I am writing this on the very day that Federal prosecutors laid out their case against the former President in a shocking 37-count indictment for mishandling classified documents.
And don’t get us started on the hair and orange make-up.
(Note: the Loser Chronicles invites - indeed, expects - push-back, lively debate and criticism - hopefully some laughs too. That said, we are not looking to be partisan - we have politicians, pundits and historical figures of every stripe and leaning awaiting their turn in the barrel. )
No one category can contain Donald J. Trump, aka, the “short fingered vulgarian,” so massive is his genius for losing. There isn’t a loser who can match the sheer breadth, variety, consistency, and flamboyance of his failures and fuck-ups. Like a perpetually engorged penis that can’t be bothered to differentiate between flesh and a pile of pliant chopped meat, he’s tried inserting himself into just about everything under the sun: real estate, gaming, media, sports, ill-conceived consumer products, education, matrimony, child-rearing, and of course politics. Most of you know the drill, but here’s a handy recap:
Trump Airlines
Trump Ice
Trump Steaks
Trump University
Trump; the Game
Trump Mortgage
Trump Magazine
Trump Vodka
Trump ties .
Trump underwear.
Trump furniture.
Donald Trump: the Fragrance
Even a Trump-branded urine test
Either complete cons or business misfires – all ridiculous failures that left the credulous and unsuspecting poorer, dumber not to mention worse dressed, worse fed, worse educated, worse furnished and a whole lot worse smelling. And anyone stupid enough to spend hard-earned money on a Trump branded urine test deserves every single false positive (it also begs the question: why a Trump-branded urine test, unless its purpose is to pre-test the urine of Russian hookers because you have very particular health restrictions or hygiene concerns).
We should add to the six times he declared bankruptcy between 1991 and 2009, and the mountain of debt he incurred in the years since – over a half a billion dollars comes due in a couple of years, most of which he’s personally liable for. That’s gonna be a lot of post-Presidency speaking engagements in Riyadh and Turkmenistan, and Trump-branded properties in a whole lot of shithole countries. Good luck.
This in itself would be a hall of fame career in failure for just about anyone. The man knows how to fill a stat sheet. But what makes Trump so special is his unique cross-over ability – he would be a top performer in several loser categories:
He is of course a born loser in that he was the prodigal son of real estate magnate Fred Trump whose largesse, aka tax scheme, made Donald a multimillionaire when he was still putting chewing gum in girls’ hair and calling his third grade teacher a loser for asking him to spell “asshole” in the class spelling bee. It’s estimated that Fred staked Donald to some $500 million over many years, and bailed him out more than once as his son dumb-assed his way from bad deal to bad deal.
The case for Donald J. Trump as a world-historical sore loser makes itself – if you’re unconvinced, just check out any of his tweets from January 3 to the screaming upper-case “truths” he’s regularly cranked out since, demonstrating an ability to accept clear and resounding defeat with all the maturity and grace of an irritable toddler refusing a diaper change.
But ultimately what may make Trump particularly impressive is that he’s created a category that he alone occupies – like an athlete who’s perfected an inimitable move, ala Kareem’s sky hook or Simone Biles’ triple double: the Triple Threat Loser. Give him this, Trump has a magical ability to make you believe each loss is a figment of your limited imagination. He is the made-in-China knock-off King Midas (“ETTD” everything Trump touches dies, in the memorable formulation of Rick Wilson, a ferocious and ferociously funny Never Trumper) - he turns everything, every comically bad decision and fuck-up that anyone with an ounce of sense could see coming from miles away, into fool’s gold.
Some have belittled him as a mere con man or bald-faced serial liar, which wildly underestimates his cynical genius. Sure, he’s been remarkably effective, particularly in his relatively short political career, to convince the credulous – but he’s also effectively convinced a large number of seemingly discerning, high-functioning fellow Americans to vote for him and plunk down money because it bears his stamp in the form of the flaxen nest that sits atop his head. Whether it’s shlock or a political “program,” he’ll find buyers – there’s always someone on the other side willing to buy or bail him out. Trump is a loser of almost unmatched scope and variety, who has lost consistently and a lot and at the highest levels…on top of which he is potentially the first Presidential candidate to campaign behind bars, a major point in his favor to the MAGA faithful. This is what ultimately puts him in truly rarefied air: he makes so many others who buy what he’s selling losers too.