Biden's Final Turkey Pardoning Ends Inconclusively; Fates of "Peach" and "Blossom" Uncertain

President Biden was set to pardon this year's national Thanksgiving turkeys "Peach" and "Blossom" on the South Lawn of the White House on Monday – the last time he will partake in the tradition in office – but he trailed off and gingerly shuffled from the stage into the White House residence before officially proclaiming their stay of execution.

“You’ve got to feel for the birds,” said John Zimmerman, chair of the National Turkey Federation, who presented the President with the two turkeys. “The millions of butterball turkeys who are lead to their deaths this time of year never know what hit ‘em. I can only imagine what Peach and Blossom are going through right now, not knowing if they get to live out their lives in captivity or if they’re about to be strangled, stripped, stuffed, shoved in the oven for four hours, carved up, and, in the final indignity, drowned in gravy created from their own juices. Your heart goes out to the poor bastards.”

As of this writing, the White House has still not given official word as to their fates. An ashen-faced staffer claimed to have seen a turkey resembling Peach being seasoned, stuffed and prepared for baking, but we have not yet been able to confirm this. Developing…

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